alone but not alone
What are you doing alone? Why are you ignoring me? You lay there asleep, dreaming your dreams; men, hot, sweaty, muscled, nude, black, white, Latino, Chinese, you dream of them all. You tell me that you feel insignificant, insecure and inappropriate at times. Men do look at you when you go out. You don’t notice; sometimes you don’t care. You go out drinking, clubbing and sometimes tricking. It’s an unsafe world we live in but you don’t always care. You have made it through 40 years without an STD, injury or accident. Maybe you sometimes think that luck is on your side.
Alone but not alone is how you feel. You work, live and party amongst many people. You have a large number of friends. You have a loving, caring, large family. Yet you still feel alone.
I watch you when you go clubbing or simply out to drink. Flirt? That is way too simple a description for what you do! You seduce, intrigue and entice. No one is safe. Dance becomes a ritual for you. Men join you dancing and the ritual circle grows. You are average, nice looking but average; intelligent but not Einstein; funny but not Leno. Your ritual circle grows; men take off their shirts. Sweaty, lean, firm men kiss you, hug you; making you feel attractive, wanted, empowered. You feed off them like a vampire. You caress their firm chests, their firm ass; you wrap their sweaty hot bodies against yours. You still think of yourself as alone. In the bathroom, an attractive young black man, thanks for the dance earlier. You don’t remember but pretend you do. You kiss, embrace and at one point your hands are on his ass and his hard dick that earlier was pressing into your crotch as you embraced. You walk out together, you buy him a drink and when he is distracted you disappear into the crowd. Your feeling of loneliness grows. Your belief that there is nothing out there for you grows. You feel like the last 20 years have been for nothing. Your attention span is short; your career life is short. Your friends ask, what’s wrong? Why so snippy? Are you okay? You always tell them yes; no problem; nothing. You drink for breakfast, lunch and dinner. You look for happy hour. Beer isn’t drinking; is what you say to yourself and others. You’re Southern; Southerners don’t drink until noon. Anything before noon is simply a good start. Even straight men like you. Straight men would turn bi for you. You have seduced several supposed straight men. They always come back to you eventually. You don’t understand them, but the seduction is a victory to you. Then the loneliness creeps back in again.
Related posts: